today

Today is one of those days that we don't expect. Its been a day of lazy and nothing going on, but at the end of it- pain. So I've had a bunch of emotional crap going on lately. Wyatt passing and then all the other stuff that life brings on top. But then I realize that I want more children, ones that are here with me- not just spiritually- and I realize that CRAP I should probably take care of myself before I get pregnant. But how long will that take? And then I realize that- I have no one to complain to. And that makes me cry. because I'm such a crappy person when it comes to giving up my problems to others. And I don't know how to not be how I am. But anyway. I'm tired, have an issue w/ digestion, an issue w/ having babies, and an issue w/ seeing the doctor. So there's most of it. Poo.

One year ago today

One year ago today I was in the hospital to deliver my son that had passed away. I had been pregnant for 21 weeks. I believe Wyatt passed away about 12 hours after his second blood transfusion. That would have been while I was asleep on Friday night. The days, weeks, and months that followed (and continue to follow) his passing have been a rollercoaster. It’s amazing the waves of grief, clarity, acceptance, anger, love, and happiness that continue to wash over me. I am still grieving for him, and know that I will never stop. I love him and miss him much. It’s hard for me to know that the little amount of ashes that we got back from him being cremated are under a tree in northern Arizona. It’s difficult to know that someone I never got to see grow will never be with me except for in my heart. I’ve accepted that his life past 21 weeks was never meant- but Jeeze meneezee it still hurts. I still sleep with his blanket and sometimes still have crying fits that leave me drained and emotionally devoid, but mostly it doesn’t rip my heart out to think of him anymore. Aaron and I will never forget the son we were so excited for. We will always wonder what could’ve been. But one year later- we are looking to the future and what will be. We are excited for what life has in store for us! We’re stronger than ever and know that we will be able to get through anything as long as we have each other and our family and friends!
I love you Wyatt!

Oregon

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been back from Oregon and I’m finally getting to blog about it! We had a really good time while we were there. The first whole day Aaron ran the half marathon in Eugene. He was pleased with how he did, he ran it faster than his last one, but not as fast as he wanted to- but the course was more difficult. And in typical Oregon fashion, it rained on him the entire time he ran!

The second day Erin, Aaron and I went to the coast. Jesse stayed home with Ella- she’s not fond of her car seat right now… We stopped at this really cool place- we didn’t get to go all the way to the small falls, because Aaron was still to broken from his marathon but we did get to check out a little of the area. Of course, that day it rained all day too. We decided to go to the world famous sea lion caves that are outside of Florence OR because they are inside and it’s something we could do w/ out getting totally soaked! But on the way up the coast, we encountered very strong winds. When we got to the caves, we were actually scared to get out of the car! When we got out of the car the winds were so strong that I couldn’t close the car door! I had to wait for the gust of wind to calm down before I could get it closed! And then of course- by the time we got inside, they were closed because the wind was so severe!

The rest of the trip was relaxing. Aaron and I went to the bow shop in Springfield OR. His mentor- Cameron Haines frequents the store, so we thought we’d stop by and check it out. Aaron went home before me, and almost immediately the sun came out! It was almost sad that he only got rain while he was there. The rest of my trip I helped Erin do things around her house. Having Ella prevented her from unpacking as fast as she’d wanted, so we got some of that done.

The trip was great. We all had a good time. (Except Ella when we were in the car! Lol) Next year Erin and I are going to do the half marathon in Eugene, so now I have a goal!

Giraffes

I’ve started the quilt that I’m doing for my nursery. I want to do African Safari, but haven’t totally made my decision. I still will do this quilt, I’m just not sure what border I’m going to do on it. So it may stay unfinished until I get pregnant and we know what we’re having! But that is another issue then, because I’m not sure if I want to know the sex with the next pregnancy either!

Sorrow VS. Happy

I really have to comment on happiness vs. unhappiness today. I am very happy today. I have much to be happy about. I have a wonderful house with two very happy dogs that bring me much joy, I have a husband that knows me and gives me what I need whether or not I want it! I have projects that I can't wait to get started and projects I can't wait to finish!

But I also have people in my life that don't have things that bring them joy. In fact, the things that are dominating their lives right now are DOWN RIGHT TERRIBLE. Every time I think of what is going on in their lives I think "wow. that sucks." My best friend's brother will probably die tonight. And I have known their family for 25 years. He is one of the best people I have ever known and he's being taken from us. Cancer. Not easily treatable. He is 32. He married 3 months ago. In my opinion he's had so may experiences taken from him. I know he's enjoyed many happy moments and experienced them more than others and the losses he's experienced are much more than you or I could ever claim to experience. But he has maintained the most positive attitude I have ever seen. And his new wife... It's like she's happy to have just had him for the short time she has! Which knowing Jess, I know she is! But WOW! They are both people to admire. Through all adversity and strife- the worst kind- you would never know that they are having a hard time. Not that they aren't, just that they are both able to take the good things from their experiences and CELEBRATE EVERYTHING. If today sucks, that will just make tomorrow better! So- What the hay- may as well smile through what makes you cry!

We are going to miss you Brenan!

Aprons!!

I just wanted to put pictures of a few of the aprons I’ve made over the past 6 months. Of course I forgot to take a picture of the quilt I made w/ my camera… Oh well…

Here’s Brandy’s

Here’s Elisa’s

Here’s Ashsuire’s

And I forgot to get a picture of my mom’s but it looks just as good as these three! And I'm sure I'll make more- they're fun! :)

Oatman AZ

Well, I guess it’s been a while… I’m not very good at keeping up with this very regular! Right now, I have a cold (again! Unless it’s swine flu…) and I’m really sleepy! But I have a fun weekend to tell you about!

On Saturday Aaron and I went to Oatman AZ. It’s a very small living “ghost town” that was established due to the gold in the area. There are a few gold mines around Oatman- none that are still being mined. We heard about the town on a show called Gold Fever- about prospectors… another one of Aaron’s favorite shows… lol. The town is now famous for the herd of wild burros that hang around. Most of the time the wild burros come in to town in the morning and then leave again in the evening. Tourists and the people that live there feed them. So Aaron and I were so excited to go to Oatman!

Another bonus to going there is it’s located on Historic Route 66! We’d never been on it so we were glad we got to cross more than one thing of the list!

And the scenery was beautiful! I love AZ!

But as we climbed the mountain to get to Oatman (it’s in a valley between two mountains) all we kept seeing was people on Harleys. Now- I have nothing against people that like to travel on bikes. They are really nice most of the time. But when you are expecting a nice quiet day in a small town and you come around the bend to “Bike Week” in Oatman… Well, let’s just say we were very disappointed! Only three of the burros were in town- and normally there are about 15… they didn’t like the noise either! Lol

But we still had fun-

And we still got to feed the few that were in town… except for the babies- they can’t have carrots. They’ll choke on them!

So Oatman was ok. We decided that we’ll go back when we can stay at the historic hotel for the night- the drive was 4 ½ hours… and check next time to make sure it’s not bike week and there won’t be 5,000 Harleys in town!