Strange Feelings

Everyday I feel like I go more and more into myself. I want to be pregnant so bad and don't really have a normal, rational, responsible way to go about it.

Sure- we could borrow the money- but it's like being between a rock and a hard place. To have enough money to do the procedure we'd have to borrow around $7,000. And saving the money will take forever! (I am not getting younger...) Ok- like 2 years if I don't buy anything for myself or ever go out to eat. I know it seems like it would be worth it (and it would be) but it's not easy to do. And then what if I had just tried the other way and it worked out? That's about 23k that wouldn't have needed to be spent.

And then my other option is to just get pregnant and pray. That just seems crazy too!! And then if I did get pregnant I wouldn't feel like I could tell anyone because of possible impending doom!!

UGH! I hate this. Damn woman hormones... if only I could just be happy childless... I hear all the time "the grass is not always greener on the other side" Well that's just a chance I feel I want to take! But the wall is really tall... and my knees get scrapped every time I think about what I have to potentially go through... I'm not looking for pity- but it just kills me that I have a heart full of love waiting for a little one to be running through the house making me crazy. and it just waits. I've always been able to get what I want and I find a way to get it. But this time- Who Knows! I feel like I have almost no control over the situation and it makes me loony!

So here goes another month...