today

Today is one of those days that we don't expect. Its been a day of lazy and nothing going on, but at the end of it- pain. So I've had a bunch of emotional crap going on lately. Wyatt passing and then all the other stuff that life brings on top. But then I realize that I want more children, ones that are here with me- not just spiritually- and I realize that CRAP I should probably take care of myself before I get pregnant. But how long will that take? And then I realize that- I have no one to complain to. And that makes me cry. because I'm such a crappy person when it comes to giving up my problems to others. And I don't know how to not be how I am. But anyway. I'm tired, have an issue w/ digestion, an issue w/ having babies, and an issue w/ seeing the doctor. So there's most of it. Poo.

One year ago today

One year ago today I was in the hospital to deliver my son that had passed away. I had been pregnant for 21 weeks. I believe Wyatt passed away about 12 hours after his second blood transfusion. That would have been while I was asleep on Friday night. The days, weeks, and months that followed (and continue to follow) his passing have been a rollercoaster. It’s amazing the waves of grief, clarity, acceptance, anger, love, and happiness that continue to wash over me. I am still grieving for him, and know that I will never stop. I love him and miss him much. It’s hard for me to know that the little amount of ashes that we got back from him being cremated are under a tree in northern Arizona. It’s difficult to know that someone I never got to see grow will never be with me except for in my heart. I’ve accepted that his life past 21 weeks was never meant- but Jeeze meneezee it still hurts. I still sleep with his blanket and sometimes still have crying fits that leave me drained and emotionally devoid, but mostly it doesn’t rip my heart out to think of him anymore. Aaron and I will never forget the son we were so excited for. We will always wonder what could’ve been. But one year later- we are looking to the future and what will be. We are excited for what life has in store for us! We’re stronger than ever and know that we will be able to get through anything as long as we have each other and our family and friends!
I love you Wyatt!

Oregon

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been back from Oregon and I’m finally getting to blog about it! We had a really good time while we were there. The first whole day Aaron ran the half marathon in Eugene. He was pleased with how he did, he ran it faster than his last one, but not as fast as he wanted to- but the course was more difficult. And in typical Oregon fashion, it rained on him the entire time he ran!

The second day Erin, Aaron and I went to the coast. Jesse stayed home with Ella- she’s not fond of her car seat right now… We stopped at this really cool place- we didn’t get to go all the way to the small falls, because Aaron was still to broken from his marathon but we did get to check out a little of the area. Of course, that day it rained all day too. We decided to go to the world famous sea lion caves that are outside of Florence OR because they are inside and it’s something we could do w/ out getting totally soaked! But on the way up the coast, we encountered very strong winds. When we got to the caves, we were actually scared to get out of the car! When we got out of the car the winds were so strong that I couldn’t close the car door! I had to wait for the gust of wind to calm down before I could get it closed! And then of course- by the time we got inside, they were closed because the wind was so severe!

The rest of the trip was relaxing. Aaron and I went to the bow shop in Springfield OR. His mentor- Cameron Haines frequents the store, so we thought we’d stop by and check it out. Aaron went home before me, and almost immediately the sun came out! It was almost sad that he only got rain while he was there. The rest of my trip I helped Erin do things around her house. Having Ella prevented her from unpacking as fast as she’d wanted, so we got some of that done.

The trip was great. We all had a good time. (Except Ella when we were in the car! Lol) Next year Erin and I are going to do the half marathon in Eugene, so now I have a goal!

Giraffes

I’ve started the quilt that I’m doing for my nursery. I want to do African Safari, but haven’t totally made my decision. I still will do this quilt, I’m just not sure what border I’m going to do on it. So it may stay unfinished until I get pregnant and we know what we’re having! But that is another issue then, because I’m not sure if I want to know the sex with the next pregnancy either!

Sorrow VS. Happy

I really have to comment on happiness vs. unhappiness today. I am very happy today. I have much to be happy about. I have a wonderful house with two very happy dogs that bring me much joy, I have a husband that knows me and gives me what I need whether or not I want it! I have projects that I can't wait to get started and projects I can't wait to finish!

But I also have people in my life that don't have things that bring them joy. In fact, the things that are dominating their lives right now are DOWN RIGHT TERRIBLE. Every time I think of what is going on in their lives I think "wow. that sucks." My best friend's brother will probably die tonight. And I have known their family for 25 years. He is one of the best people I have ever known and he's being taken from us. Cancer. Not easily treatable. He is 32. He married 3 months ago. In my opinion he's had so may experiences taken from him. I know he's enjoyed many happy moments and experienced them more than others and the losses he's experienced are much more than you or I could ever claim to experience. But he has maintained the most positive attitude I have ever seen. And his new wife... It's like she's happy to have just had him for the short time she has! Which knowing Jess, I know she is! But WOW! They are both people to admire. Through all adversity and strife- the worst kind- you would never know that they are having a hard time. Not that they aren't, just that they are both able to take the good things from their experiences and CELEBRATE EVERYTHING. If today sucks, that will just make tomorrow better! So- What the hay- may as well smile through what makes you cry!

We are going to miss you Brenan!

Aprons!!

I just wanted to put pictures of a few of the aprons I’ve made over the past 6 months. Of course I forgot to take a picture of the quilt I made w/ my camera… Oh well…

Here’s Brandy’s

Here’s Elisa’s

Here’s Ashsuire’s

And I forgot to get a picture of my mom’s but it looks just as good as these three! And I'm sure I'll make more- they're fun! :)

Oatman AZ

Well, I guess it’s been a while… I’m not very good at keeping up with this very regular! Right now, I have a cold (again! Unless it’s swine flu…) and I’m really sleepy! But I have a fun weekend to tell you about!

On Saturday Aaron and I went to Oatman AZ. It’s a very small living “ghost town” that was established due to the gold in the area. There are a few gold mines around Oatman- none that are still being mined. We heard about the town on a show called Gold Fever- about prospectors… another one of Aaron’s favorite shows… lol. The town is now famous for the herd of wild burros that hang around. Most of the time the wild burros come in to town in the morning and then leave again in the evening. Tourists and the people that live there feed them. So Aaron and I were so excited to go to Oatman!

Another bonus to going there is it’s located on Historic Route 66! We’d never been on it so we were glad we got to cross more than one thing of the list!

And the scenery was beautiful! I love AZ!

But as we climbed the mountain to get to Oatman (it’s in a valley between two mountains) all we kept seeing was people on Harleys. Now- I have nothing against people that like to travel on bikes. They are really nice most of the time. But when you are expecting a nice quiet day in a small town and you come around the bend to “Bike Week” in Oatman… Well, let’s just say we were very disappointed! Only three of the burros were in town- and normally there are about 15… they didn’t like the noise either! Lol

But we still had fun-

And we still got to feed the few that were in town… except for the babies- they can’t have carrots. They’ll choke on them!

So Oatman was ok. We decided that we’ll go back when we can stay at the historic hotel for the night- the drive was 4 ½ hours… and check next time to make sure it’s not bike week and there won’t be 5,000 Harleys in town!

Fun Visitors

A few weeks ago my parents got two more dogs. Doxies! My favorite! She was wanting to wait until after the cruise they were going on to get them, but she rescued them from the same lady we got Butter from and needed to bring them home before they left. So, now they are on their cruise- hopefully having fun- and now we have two more Doxies in our house until they return. We have Zoe- the Queen, Butter- the Joker, Lacy- the Trouble Maker (she's the black and white one 2 yrs old), and Otis- the Destroyer- or wood chipper to be more acurate (he's the red dapple 1 yrs old) . I am fully enjoying having them all in our house. They bring so much joy and laughter- I’m not sure if I’m going to give them back! (My mom is cruising right now- so I can’t even threaten her with this!) Lacy and Otis are very close and snuggle on the couch together all the time. It’s taken Butter a few days to get to the point where she can play with the other two, but Zoe is still very upset that we have friends staying at our house. She cracks me up because she’ll just sit on the couch and watch the other three and I can just see her thinking “Oh my!” But they’ll go home soon, I’m not really sure when… but now we’ll have special bonds with them for when we go to my parents’ house!

AND bowling for my 30th b-day tomorrow! I’m very excited!

Always Blessings, Never Losses

9 months ago I lost my son. I don’t always think about it on the 25th. Some months the day will go by and I’ll think- wow. It didn’t bother me yesterday. But this morning someone said “it’s the 25th” and it just made me think of Wyatt. I wonder when it won’t bother me anymore. I wonder if having another child will take away the hurt. And then I think what if it doesn’t. I can live with it- it’s not as sharp as it was before, but it still bothers me. I miss him. It’s really crazy how much you can miss someone you never even knew. I’ll never get to see him run down the hallway, eat his first Cheerio, meet his true love, has his heart broken, graduate high school. A smile of true pleasure will never cross his face. And he’ll never cry from a scraped knee. But I will always treasure the time we did have with him. I just wish we’d had more.

Lots happening..

Wow. I can’t believe that I haven’t posted in almost a month! So much has happened and so here it goes…

I went to Oregon- it was great. I am very glad I got to see my friend at the end of her pregnancy! Her baby shower was beautiful! (I really should have taken the pictures off my camera to show!) Everyone that came- and even the loved ones that didn’t- were very generous and she opened gifts for over two hours!! Then the next couple days while I was there her Mom and I just helped get everything ready for the baby- And then, of course, the Saturday after I returned, I got a text that Erin was in labor- 3 weeks early! Ella Sophia Ralston was born on March 7. She was 6lbs 21 inches. The first week for them was tough- they left the hospital and then were readmitted then next day. But Ella is doing well now and everyone is home and happy- Hopefully no more return stays at the hospital will be needed.

When I was in Oregon, my husband told me that there’s a half marathon in Eugene in May- I am going back in May to visit again (gotta get my hands on that little one!) so we made arrangements for him to come too! I am very excited I’m going to have him there with me. He won’t be there the entire time I’m there- but it won’t be so bad to be away from home because he’ll be there with me some of the time! I just hope he’s more ready for this half marathon…

The same weekend Ella was on the way- my best friend’s brother got married. They planned their wedding in four days and you would have never know. Brenan’s cancer returned, the bone marrow transplant he had in October wasn’t successful. The level of happiness Brenan and Jess share absolutely floors me, especially in light of all of the hardships they have been through in the past year. It seems like they get good news, and then a month later, the news leaves much to be desired. But the way they have continued to be positive and let love rule their lives is amazing! They are wonderful people and I know they will get through this and all they have been through will just make their lives more full.

Work has been interesting. Stressful for a while- and now… not stressful enough. I operate well under a little bit of stress, not too much, then I shut down. But when there is no stress at all- I get lazy and unmotivated. But then- I’m ok with it right now because stress caused me to miss my period. Not good… I’ll take lazy and unmotivated over over-stressed any day! (I’m sure the baby shower and birth of a friend’s baby didn’t help my emotional status either! I hate baby showers… hopefully it won’t always be that way- but it is now!!)

My craft projects have been plugging along. The quilt for Ella was awesome. I was almost sad for it to be done though… Oh well. Just means I have to start another one… But I have 3 aprons to make in the next month. One for my Mom (for her b-day… very late b-day gift. Her birthday is in December…), one for Elisa (for her b-day… also late. Her b-day is in February), and the third for my sister in law (this one will be on time for her b-day in April). After all the aprons are done I have a project picked out. More about that later…

Also, our nephew’s birthday was the end of February. Aaron was so excited to give Aidan his gift, he got it two weeks early! We got him a bow and arrow set, I know big surprise. The arrows are kid friendly- and Aidan loves it! Aaron is looking forward to taking Aidan hunting when he gets older!

We also had to put my cat of 10yrs down. Sylvester had been getting sicker and sicker over the last few months and I just felt it was time. I miss having him around the house, but know that he’s happy in cat heaven. Still hate thinking of it…

This last weekend I made cookies with Devin. It was very nice to hang out with her for a while. I miss having her at work though. But I’m glad she has a job that she likes. Then, after I got home all the plans I had previously made for my weekend fell apart. Pretty much ended up cleaning, running errands, and relaxing. We were going to go out to breakfast, go to a baseball game and other stuff- but it just didn’t work out… J Oh well. Spending time with Aaron is always an adventure and I never know what will happen!! Lol

Hopefully I’ll get motivated enough to post again in less than a month…

Wednesday Afternoon

I've been a little out of sorts lately. Depressed I think would be a good description. Everything has been going ok- I just feel very unsatisfied. Knowing that I'm going to basically be stuck in a job I'm not thrilled about for a long time is very taxing. Aaron and I have been doing well. No complaints there! (Yay!) But we had to put my cat of 10yrs down and that was crappy! The day after we did that I slept the whole day. And for the first time in my life I'm thinking maybe I should get put on some depression medication or something! But then I think if I could just get my toosh in gear and exercise some it would be better! So I'm going to try to do the natural solution first- then maybe the extra 10lbs I'm carrying around will go away too! Bonus! lol I'm going to Oregon in a week or so- and that kind of freaks me out. I can't wait to see my friend but I know it'll be sad for me too. She's got about 3 weeks left in her pregnancy- and I don't do baby showers! (I really wonder why I wanted to go!) But I have to put on my happy face and do things that I have conflicted feelings about. Ugh. I just wish happy things could come around w/ out the burden of unhappy things to accompany them. Such is life... It always gets better- Right?

Good news for a Monday!

I am very excited because I get to go to my girl friend's baby shower! She lives in Oregon- so I didn't think I would be able to go- But we had a little extra $$ that Aaron was ok w/ me using towards the ticket! And I get to give her the quilt I have been making for her little girl in person. It will be a tight fit, I think they have 4 people that will be staying w/ them for the weekend- but it will be fun!

Other than that- no new news- I did a lot of cleaning this weekend. My shower was in serious need of a scrubbing! Now its all pretty again! I got another cute pic of Butter... I'll have to post it... and I worked on the quilt. My weekend was very uneventful and peaceful- Aaron was gone most of the weekend! But sometimes those are the nicest ones...

Strange Feelings

Everyday I feel like I go more and more into myself. I want to be pregnant so bad and don't really have a normal, rational, responsible way to go about it.

Sure- we could borrow the money- but it's like being between a rock and a hard place. To have enough money to do the procedure we'd have to borrow around $7,000. And saving the money will take forever! (I am not getting younger...) Ok- like 2 years if I don't buy anything for myself or ever go out to eat. I know it seems like it would be worth it (and it would be) but it's not easy to do. And then what if I had just tried the other way and it worked out? That's about 23k that wouldn't have needed to be spent.

And then my other option is to just get pregnant and pray. That just seems crazy too!! And then if I did get pregnant I wouldn't feel like I could tell anyone because of possible impending doom!!

UGH! I hate this. Damn woman hormones... if only I could just be happy childless... I hear all the time "the grass is not always greener on the other side" Well that's just a chance I feel I want to take! But the wall is really tall... and my knees get scrapped every time I think about what I have to potentially go through... I'm not looking for pity- but it just kills me that I have a heart full of love waiting for a little one to be running through the house making me crazy. and it just waits. I've always been able to get what I want and I find a way to get it. But this time- Who Knows! I feel like I have almost no control over the situation and it makes me loony!

So here goes another month...

Oh Wow!

I really can't believe the last post I made was last year!! I have been so crazy busy at work and I hate going on the computer at home... so I've been neglecting my blog.

Not much is going on. Aaron was gone from Jan 1 to Jan 9. It was ok though because I get so much more done around the house when he's not there! I cleaned almost all of the carpets in my house (only missing the dirtiest area because I can't move our couches by myself), I cleaned out our stand-alone freezer (and good thing because all the electrical went out in the laundry room 2 days later) and I started and finished a romance novel! It was very nice. It's weird though because I get out of practice of talking to people so I get a little introverted. But I'm all better now! lol

I'm making my girl friend a quilt for her baby who's due the end of March and I got it pinned yesterday... almost done... just another 15 hours or so and hopefully it'll be done! It's so pretty! I'm very excited for her to get it. I just wish I could be there when she opens it... oh well. That's what happens when friends have to move... I'll post a picture of it after she gets it so the surprise isn't ruined. I'll have to post a finished crafts post...

Hopefully it won't take me another two weeks to get my a@* in gear to post again...